If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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