I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
