I wish I could punch you in the face.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
