Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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