Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
