16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
