I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
