thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
