he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
