I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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