The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
