dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
