I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
