life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
