Betty ford says i'm here all night
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
