No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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