He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
