i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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