you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
