That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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