Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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