Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
