you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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