My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize