i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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