god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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