I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
