I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
