i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
