Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
