i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
