He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
