I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
