We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
