just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
