I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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