cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
