I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
