dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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