Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
