do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
