Old men and throwing up are my life now.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
