so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
