my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
