Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
