I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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