jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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