I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Randomize
