6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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