Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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