I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
it hurts more in the daytime
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize