he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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