"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
