Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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