The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
