That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
